


I called this fic 'A Fake God' and I'm just trying to find something better so give me a couple years, o k i ?

by CoffeeOnRainyDays



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ? - Freeform, AA, AAA - Freeform, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, Anxiety, Depersonalization, Derealization, Dissociation, Flashbacks, Hallucination Lucifer (Supernatural) | Hallucifer, Hallucinations, Headcanon, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lucifer's Cage (Supernatural), M/M, Not Beta Read, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Lucifer's Cage Sam Winchester, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Ending, Sam Winchester Angst, Sam Winchester Remembers Lucifer's Cage, Self-Harm, THEY TOOK AWAY MY TAGS FOR BEING OVER 100 CHARACTERS???, Trauma From Lucifer's Cage (Supernatural), Unrealistic/accurate desciptions of anything i think, WAIT THE CAGE, and let me tell you- my ride with spn has been all over the place, but again, bye, complex PTSD, i am a rat who cannot give myself what i want - this fic is the farthest ive gotten, i do not know how to tag but here goes nothing, ig?, im fine, in the form of the palm trick, just a glismpe into something i was working on and i hope to continue this in the future, just a quick peak into something ive been trying to work on for this fandom, more in the authors notes, so proably some issues with the writing, unedited too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeOnRainyDays/pseuds/CoffeeOnRainyDays
Summary: A glimpse into Sam's average day after the Cage- which probably isn't realistic but this has been saved for months so I thought, "hey, maybe we should upload it and that could inspire us to work?" so here we are.í̸̢͉̓̊̾͆̍̄̅͐̒͘̕ ̷̳̬̈͂͗ẖ̸͖̑̆̌̿͑̅͝ą̵̭͖͎̯͖̬́̂̈̅͊̈͂̊͂̽͠t̶̡̨̥̗̩̎͝ĕ̶͓̝̙̟̓̽̔̂̇͝ ̷̢̙̱͈̠̿͛̈̒ț̴̈́̿̈́̇͋̒͑̆̅̂̓̅͘͘͠͠͠h̵̢̢̛̞̤̞͈͖̠̼͈̮̠͒̆̀̇́̒̅̑̈́̀̇̎̍̅̾̕̚͜í̸̛̻͍̻̼̠͔̮̬̤̮͚͙͗͂͋̓̐̏̃̎̿̓͘͘͘s̵̨̛͇͔̪̞͍̱͙͚̻̟̖̭̹͓̞̘͛̋̈̑̓̃͆͂̂͘̕͘͜͜͠ͅ ̷̡̞̲̬̹̤̣̏̔̈́́̐̓̓͑͐͑͌͠͠p̶̢̛̟̖̬͇̻̓̾̄̊̅̅̆̇̀̿l̵̨̞͉̻͖͕͎̤̭̱͓͖̱̯͙͔͐́͌́̈́̅̉̔̍̍̇͊̚͠ē̵͙̰͕̦̭̥̘̹̓̌̅̋́͂̂̈̉̈́͆̿̈́͆͜͜͝a̴̛̱̮͖͒͗̈̽͐̌̋̓̈́̈́́̆̕͝͝s̷̨̟̭͍͗̆̒͑̈́̏́͌͆̔̃͐̈͐͝͝͝͝ȇ̷͎̲̜̮͔̹̠̝͍̳̻͈͙̼͓̺̩͖̠̆͌̂̃̄̒̈͘̚̚ͅ ̸̢̢̮͚̯͍̖̟̺̣͖̹̖̣͎͉̫͔͍̘̈́̎̏͐͋̄͛̿̂͋̚͘͘͝d̵̯͍̟̞͒͌̿̋͒͗o̵̢̩̺̘̳͚̲͕̍n̵̡̛̮̩͖̭̰̝͖̍̽̍̌̓ͅ'̷̪̔̋̐̐̿̃͛̍̐͛̓͂̆͠t̷̨̛̛͇̦̦͖̯̲̳͖̦̓̓̂̋̂̍͌̈͑̚͝ ̶̧͚̗̫̺͙͇͍͕̹̭̲̺̠̋̑̑̐͛͆̈̒͑̇̓͛̐̕͜ͅr̵̨̨̟̗̘̰̙͔̠̪͓̣͇̻̤͇̻͈̓̆̉̎͜ȩ̷̡̝̮͓̠̗̜̣̫͍̲̺̘͍͙̔͗͐̌͆̒̋a̷̛̮͈̦̪̺͉̫͖̻̻͎̓̊̌̾̑̊̆̾̇͌̿͋͠͝d̵̡̹͇̱̲̰̺̰̬̤̥͓͚̬̲̲͔̤̅̋̉͜ͅ
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Lucifer & Sam Winchester, Lucifer/Sam Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	I called this fic 'A Fake God' and I'm just trying to find something better so give me a couple years, o k i ?

He remembers looking up at the sky when he was younger, observing the clouds and the different shapes they made. He remembers asking questions. “Doesn't that one look like an angel?”, “Why is the sky blue?”, “How are clouds made?”. Dean never answered those questions, always telling him that he didn't know, to ask someone else.

He found the answers in a library, a book on the bottom of the shelf. How gases in the Earth's atmosphere scatter sunlight in every direction, with blue light scattered more so than other colors because it travels in shorter, smaller waves. How water evaporates and condensates, the water droplets forming on the dust that floats in the air.

He remembers feeling so excited when he learned about it, he  _ loves  _ learning new things.

But now…. Watching the clouds roll by…

They seem too far away. Something just out of Sam's reach. They swirl and make patterns in the sky and Sam realizes how the sky doesn't have an end. It just keeps going on and on and on and on and he doesn't know what to feel about that.

It's different from the Cage. It's never ending, no black storms or bars, just a blue sky and white clouds. To be fair, the Cage was never ending too, except it looked like it would. End that is. It wouldn't end though. Nothing ended. 

Maybe this was just another trick.

It just- It didn't seem right, it didn't seem  _ real.  _ The Cage, the sky, the clouds.

Nothing seems real anymore. Not since he got his memories back, not since  _ he _ appeared.

He's alone right now. Dean is in the gas station doing his business while Sam waits in the Impala, alone where  _ he  _ could pop up at any moment and it hasn't even been that long since Dean left him alone but chills run up along his spine like spiders and there's a slight roll in his gut telling him  _ something bad is going to happen, he's  _ going to appear any second now and he's _ alone. _

His nails dig into his palms. The small trick he learned from Dean. Pain to help focus on something real because the pain is different here, is  _ real _ , not like the clouds or the sky or anything else.

He takes a deep breath and relaxes his fingers. No, this is real. The clouds are real, the sky is real. He just needs to focus on that.

Everything is fine.

He decides to play with some loose change he has in his pocket. He feels the little ridges on the edge of coins against the nail imprints, the cool metal quickly warming up in his hand. Another reminder that everything is real and everything is fine.

He counts them out and organizes them. Two quarters, a dime, 3 nickels, and some pennies. A total of 79 cents. Enough for those 50 cent gumball machines in front of the store if he wanted to get one. He flips a penny into the air. Tails.

There's too much detail for this to not be real. Or maybe the opposite.

_ What is taking Dean so long? _

It’s been too long, he should be back by now. What if something happened? It wouldn’t be the first time they got jumped by a cashier demon. But Dean can take care of himself, he would be fine. He would be fine. Of course he would. He’s one of the best hunters Sam knows. Sam is just working himself over nothing. It hasn’t really been that long. Dean will come out any minute now… Any minute now...

“Penny for your thoughts, Sammy?”

He flinches and the devil laughs in the backseat.

_ What does he want? _

“Oh, silly Sammy, what do I want? I thought you would know that.”

He can’t move. Something is choking him, stealing his breath. His hands shake.  _ Please God no, please, don't call me that. _

A hand caresses the back of his neck, leaving behind goosebumps.

“I’m afraid God has been clocked out for quite some time now. He can’t save you. No one can.”

Lucifer leans over and nips at Sam's ear. “And I can call you whatever I like.”

It’s too hot and too cold-  _ it burns like fire, the cold- _ and Sam feels like throwing up. His legs won’t move though, he can’t run, and it’s just like back  _ there- _

What if he is back there? What if it really is just an illusion? Just some trick the devil is trying to pull? What if he never really left?

_ What if Lucifer is telling the truth? _

_ What if? What if? What if? _

Lucifer whispers, “oh, how I  _ love _ to see you panic! All this fear-”

There's a forked tongue at his throat and Sam doesn't want to cry but  _ he can't breathe- _

_ “ _ It's so  _ delicious.” _ he pauses, “And all mine. You know that Sammy, right? You're  _ allllllllllll  _ mine!” 

_ No no no no no no no n o n o, not again, please, not again, n o t a g a i n. _

He's choking on his heart, ( _ He can't breathe) _

and it thunders faster and faster and faster. Strangely, he notices his pulse feels out of place, pressing uncomfortably at his skin.

Just like Lucifer’s tongue.

_ Get away, get away, get away, get away,  _ **_get away!_ **

A hand ghosts past his hair, threatening to grab and pull and tear.

“Answer me, Sam. You know I don't like it when you don't respond.”

Oh, does he know. A thousand different times when he refused to speak ( _ to sing!) _ , when he refused to scream ( _ Come on Sammy,) _ , refused to cry ( _ Sing!) _ . A thousand different times he tried to be obedient, tried to beg, tried to give Lucifer exactly what he wanted. It wasn't enough. It was never enough.

He needs to answer him. (He needs to  _ leave)  _ He needs to make the devil disappear  _ (He needs  _ **_respond)_ **

A thought passes his mind and he's not sure why he didn't think of it earlier (did he actually think it?). The palm trick. His nails dig deeper than before, stretching the skin. It's painful but it's different.

The devil just smiles and rolls his eyes. Flickers and disappears.

Sam still feels his hands and tongue lingering. Sam still doesn't feel safe.

The door opens. Dean slides in.

A bag of chips is thrown in his face and just like that Sam can move again,  _ breathe.  _ He throws up a hand to catch the snack, a little too panicked and a little too defensive.

“I got your favorite,” Dean says, unaware of the mental breakdown Sam just had, is still having.

_ It's just a hallucination _ .  _ Just a hallucination, he's not real. _

Lucifer isn't in the backseat but maybe he's just hiding.

Sam can't relax. He seemed so  _ real. _

Dean looks over at him, his concern barely concealed. “You okay?”

A beat of hesitation. A beat too long. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He's glad his voice doesn't shake. 

And everything is fine. He can move and breathe and he knows that it was just a hallucination. He is  _ fine. _

“No, Sammy.” Lucifer whispers in his ear  _ (in his mind?) _ , “You're not.”

Don't focus on him. Just focus on the clouds and the coins,  _ Dean,  _ who's staring at him with disbelief and heartache in eyes that catch the way he curls in on himself and minutely flinches and is so obviously not okay. 

Just focus on the real things. Because they are real, they have to be. Sam desperately wants to believe it.

He can't.

**Author's Note:**

> Oki fucking doki then. I have explanations and thoughts, no I do not care if you didn't ask for them.
> 
> So... I am a rat. I cannot give myself what I want. I, therefore, look for other fanfics to read. I find less than I was expecting and saved the less than 15 fics that had what I wanted. I proceed to grow angry and write this. This is the farthest I've gotten.  
> Like seriously though. I have grown disappointed, and I know I'm not going to be better than anyone else but the feeling applies to everyone anyway so I guess it doesn't matter.
> 
> Some headcanons that I have (and AU's ig? I'm tired) include:  
> 1\. Sam understands/speaks Enochian. However, his body cannot physically speak Enochian, only his soul can- which leads to Sam trying to remake the high-pitched whine with his voice while his soul screams. Applies to hearing too. He can't physically hear Enochian without that violent reaction people have when they hear Enochian but his soul can in fact understand what is being said.  
> 2\. Lucifer definitely raped Sam- No I will not expand on this  
> 3\. Sam's soul is infused with Lucifer's Grace  
> 4\. Stolkholm Syndrome and BOTH Sam AND Lucifer thinking they loved each other (see, "stop and remember me" by The_Bookkeeper for more on that bc DAMN IS THAT A GOOD FIC THAT MADE ME CRY, it's one of my favorites.)  
> 5\. Sam cannot get warm/is freezing all the time.  
> 6 Snapping is a huge trigger for Sam and I need more of it (specifically with Jack/Mary finding out via this way, mmmm doesn't sound delicious, i haven't found any fic like that)  
> 7\. Sam also can't seem to be clean- Lucifer's Grace is in his soul, demon blood runs through his veins, etc. This sometimes leaves him scrubbing furiously at his skin to get rid of it.
> 
> I can't think anymore but I'll make an expanded list later (did you know that apparently you use "an" when the next word begins with a vowel? and "a" when it doesn't? I don't know why it freaks me out but it does.)
> 
> Ummmmm, hope everyone is taking care of themselves and has a day.... bye for now ig.


End file.
